The Thrill Is Over

Dear God,

I was going to send you a postcard, but I'm not really on vacation. I've been transferred--to Entergy's Pilgrim Nuclear Power Plant--which, when you think of it, is kind of like being on vacation because it's on Cape Cod Bay. So, frankly, I haven't prayed because I'm no longer that interested in how the people of Vermont, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts feel about Vermont Yankee. As if I ever was.

And then there's the added problem of every time anyone says "nuclear power" recently, everyone thinks "Fukushima," and then no one feels like laughing.

But today's news is so breath-takingly scary that I thought I'd pray anyway. The Nation is reporting that the Obama administration "has ordered a 'total and complete' news blackout relating to any information regarding the near catastrophic meltdown of the Fort Calhoun Nuclear Power Plant located in Nebraska."

It's right near Omaha. Hey, Cornhuskers are people, too! Apparently, nearly two weeks ago, the plant suffered a catastrophic loss of cooling to one of its spent fuel rod pools, and as a result there was a fire. This happened as a consequence of Missouri River flooding. The release of radioactivity into the atmosphere appears to have been negligable.

However you spell "negligable." It's a word we use a lot in nuclear plant PR, so you'd think I'd know.

Anyway, God, I'll be in touch again. But not as much. Like I said, I don't work for Vermont Yankee anymore. Also, remember I said I wouldn't pray about the Fukushima disaster because there was nothing funny in it? Well, that's how I'm feeling about Omaha now, too--and Obama. (This is assuming that The Nation's report is correct.) If The Nation has its story straight, the thrill is over on any relationship between POTUS and me. BB King would be crying a river of tears if he were here--which might be bad, if he were in the vicinity of a nuclear power plant.

Lots of amens, God. Best friends forever!

Fake-Rob

Update 9pm: The New York Times has a story about nuclear plants and flooding on the Missouri.

Ralph, What Hast Thou Wrought?

Dear God,

On Sunday The Daily Beast posted a rogue's gallery of firms represented by the PR firm of Burson-Marsteller--which not too recently represented Entergy. Who knows, it might still represent Entergy? Burson-Marsteller is being deliciously vague about that.

According to The Daily Beast, Burson-Marsteller's other clients have included:

The Nigerian Government. During 1967-1970 civil war, the rebel Biafrans accused Nigeria of conducting genocide as part of its winning strategy. (Nigeria had imposed blockades that starved the Biafrans, most of them Igbo people, in besieged areas.) Nigeria countered boldly and humanely. It hired Burson-Marsteller. But, hey, good things came out of the Biafra crisis. There was George Harrison's album, "All Things Must Pass." And there's Doctors Without Borders. In two-and-a-half years of war, about 1 million civilians died.

General Motors. That pesky Ralph Nader. Long before he threw the 2000 presidential election to George Bush, he wrote a book called Unsafe at Any Speed. It was about GM's Corvette. Unsafe at Any Speed--and over 100 pending lawsuit--were driving down Corvette sales. Burson-Marsteller to the rescue.

Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu. This was during the 1970s, before he became so paranoid and delusional that Romania executed him.

The Argentinian Junta, which in the late 1970s disappeared an estimated 13,000 leftists.

Babcock and Wilcox, the designers of Three Mile Island.

Union Carbide in the aftermath of the 1984 Bhopal Disaster.

The Indonesian Government which, in 1991, hired Burson-Marsteller to boost its image after at least 250 East Timorese pro-independence demonstrators were shot by the military.

Philip Morris.

Monsanto, to help them brand GMO crops.

Saudi Arabia, right after the 9/11 attacks, and right before it was revealed that 15 of the 19 airplane hijackers were from Saudi Arabia.

Blackwater, when their employees allegedly shot and killed 17 Iraqi civilians.

AIG when it almost tanked the U.S. economy.

You should really see the article, Lord. The photos alone are worth the click. I'm fairly sure Burson-Marsteller is no longer directing our Vermont Yankee efforts, though they did get us through our transformer fire and cooling tower collapse days. I'm kinda considering suggesting that it's time to once again sign up with these miracle workers ... but, really, what PR help do we need now? Yes, the New York Times, has reported that, in the wake of Japan's Fukushima Daiichi disaster, Germany may close its entire fleet of plants by 2021. Yes, Italy and Switzerland are stopping development of new plants. And, yes, Burson-Marsteller handled the arrest of our entire management staff superbly. But our PR needs are different now.

We've had a game change here, and public opinion no longer matters to us at all. Sure, tireless old ladies continue to SHUT DOWN VERMONT YANKEE and get hauled off to jail.



But it's the courts that will now decide the fate of Entergy Vermont Yankee. Pat Parenteau, senior counsel to the Environmental and Natural Resources Law Clinic, is premature in boasting that "There's no way the state should lose." Some day this case will be in the hands of the U.S. Supreme Court. And I'm guessing that at least five of those judges have close friends who to this day splash about it in deep wells of gratitude for the divine interference that Burson-Marsteller arranged in one sordid matter or another.

Do you, indeed, work for ol' B-M, Lord? Some people in Vermont think you do. Anyway, it's a snap who Ralph Nader works for. No, not General Motors. Haven't you been paying attention? He works for Entergy! By handing the 2000 presidential election to George Bush he may have also handed a 20-year Certificate of Public Good to Entergy Vermont Yankee.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

Update: Yikes! The old ladies are at it again! They just sent news of their recent action. On Friday, having chained and locked the Vermont Yankee gate, Julie Levy, 61, of Weathersfield, VT; Robin Lloyd, 72, of Burlington, VT: Nina Swaim, 73, of Sharon, VT; Betsy Corner, 63 of Colrain, MA; Frances Crowe, 92, of Northampton, MA; Marcia Gagliardi, 63, of Athol, MA; Jean Grossholtz, 82, of South Hadley, MA; Ellen Graves, 70, of West Springfield, MA; Hattie Nestel, 72, also of Athol, MA; Paki Wieland, 67, also of Northampton, MA; and Jennifer Wright, 64, of Unity, NH. They The eleven read the following statement after chaining the gate shut:

"We are here today to shut down the Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant IMMEDIATELY and WITHOUT DELAY and FOR GOOD.

"We are appalled at the irresponsible action of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission in granting Entergy permission to operate this dangerous facility for more than another twenty years.

"Because the federal government and Entergy will not honor the public good by shutting down Vermont Yankee, we must take this action and SHUT IT DOWN NOW.

"No more accidents.

"No more leaks

"No more lies.

"No more tax subsidies.

"No more.

"Enough.

"SHUT IT DOWN NOW."

Unprotected Sex, and See You in Court

Dear Lord,

Today the Reformer reported that Entergy has filed suit to keep Vermont Yankee open. This is because the NRC has voted to renew our operating license in 2012, yet the Vermont legislature has declined to send us merrily on our way toward receiving the necessary certificate of public good.

As Richard Smith, President of Entergy Wholesale Commodities, said, "We have made every reasonable effort to accommodate the state of Vermont and its officials while allowing the continued operation of Vermont Yankee - an outcome that benefits all stakeholders, including Vermont consumers and the approximately 650 men and women who work at the plant. Despite the fact that Vermont Yankee is important to the reliability of the New England electric transmission grid, emits virtually no greenhouse gases, and provides more than $100 million in annual economic benefits to the state of Vermont, it has been made clear that state officials are singularly focused on shutting down the plant. That has left us with no other choice but to seek relief in the court system."

I couldn't have said it better myself! Truly, Lord, it is unfortunate and unfair that such eloquence will surely be drowned out by another item in today's news. The New York Times is reporting that robots working inside Japan's crippled nuclear reactor have determined that the plant is now too radioactive for even disaster workers to enter. And this is after Japan's regulatory agency more than doubled the legal limit for nuclear workers' exposure!

Darn it all. We just don't seem to be able to catch a good news cycle.

Also in the news today, the President-Elect of the American College of Surgeons has resigned in the wake of widespread outrage after he publicly extolled the mood-enhancing effects of semen on women during unprotected sex. I mention this only because I suspect he is looking for work.

Which means he could join our PR team and support the president of Entergy Wholesale Commodities in extolling the mood-enhancing effects of nuclear power on Vermonters during electricity protection that threatens their lives.

It's nice to know that the President of Entergy Wholesale Commodities has only Vermonters' comfort and pleasure in mind, just like men who insist women have unprotected sex are only thinking of the mood boost those women will get.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

Dynamic Point of View Based Business Strategy

Dear God,

We've been unable to sell Vermont Yankee. As reported by the Brattleboro Reformer, we received interest from a number of companies, but the uncertain political environment in Vermont scared everyone away. "The plant's strong operating performance was attractive to potential buyers," we've explained in a press release. "The political uncertainty was not."

You'll be glad to learn, as the Reformer reports, that we are "leaving the door open to any potential purchase offers should conditions change, consistent with our dynamic point-of-view based business strategy."

Anyway, God, want to see what negotiations consistent with our dynamic point-of-view based business strategy look like? The security camera caught a couple'a guys talking. I can't really tell you who is who in this video. Nuclear energy company execs all look alike to m, and they often look this pleased with themselves.



I think I'll go climb a refrigerator.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

Still Praying

Dear God,

I thought I'd take the opportunity of the NRC's approval of Vermont Yankee's relicensing to explain why I haven't prayed here lately. I have been praying, silently, for the victims of the murderous havoc that nuclear power has wreaked on Japan. I have been praying for the small number of people with acute radiation poisoning and for the almost unimaginably large number of people whose health long-term will go dramatically downhill. I have also been wondering about the economic cost to Japan and to the world in general of the profound poisoning of a national food supply and of the tainting with deadly radioactive isotopes of the drinking water of the world's largest city (Tokyo, with 33 million people).

But I haven't been publicly praying here because I use this prayer blog mostly to amuse you, dear Lord, while you take care of the weak and wounded of the world. And frankly, as you know, there's been absolutely nothing lately for me to joke about.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

If Brendan Behan Could See Us Now

Dear God,

You know how they say that no there's no such thing as bad publicity? Well, then I'm in the midst of a PR dude's dream. Entergy news is everywhere!

Remember how Vermont Yankee wanted other states to be able to export waste to Texas, a move that would possibly decrease its decommissioning costs for VY? Well, we've been in the news in two ways over that one:

First,

• Panel Approves Importing More Nuclear Waste to Texas. "Texas can import low-level radioactive waste from 36 other states, a commission run jointly by Texas and Vermont decided Tuesday in West Texas. The Low-Level Radioactive Waste Disposal Compact Commission vote was a decisive victory for Dallas-based Waste Control Specialists, a company whose majority owner is billionaire Harold Simmons, which has shaken off a series of permitting and court challenges by environmental activists...."
  

And now,

• Judge Halts Radioactive Dump Plan for Now. "A Texas judge ordered a temporary halt Thursday to a proposal that could allow three dozen states to dump their radioactive waste in far West Texas, a ruling that sided with environmentalists and caught the state attorney general's office off guard...."
  

And there's the new tritium leak:

• Officials Investigate Possible New Leak at Vermont Yankee. "Both the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Vermont Department of Health have indicated there may be a new leak of tritiated water at Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant in Vernon...."
  
  
• Tritium Found at Nuclear Power Plant. "Radioactive tritium has been found in a water sample from a monitoring well at the Entergy Corp.-owned 620 MW Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant, just a year after another related incident....."
  
  
• Entergy Again Finds Tritium at Vermont Yankee. "Radioactive tritium has been found in a water sample from a monitoring well at Entergy Corp's (ETR.N) Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant, the company said on Friday, a year after the isotope was identifed in a leak at the facility. 'This week Vermont Yankee received positive indications for tritium in a previously unaffected monitoring well located about 150 feet to the north of the area affected by the leak that was identified in January 2010,' plant spokesman Larry Smith said in an email...."
  
  
• Vermont Regulators Hear about Nuclear Leaks "A high-ranking engineer for the company that owns the Vermont Yankee nuclear plant said Tuesday that leaks of radioactive water from two pipes didn't prompt plant personnel to inspect other pipes at the Vernon reactor to see whether they might show similar problems...."
  
  
• Lawyers, Consultants Wrangle Over 'Root Cause' of Yankee Leaks, "The Vermont Public Service Board opened four days of technical hearings Tuesday on petitions from environmental groups seeking to shut down the Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant and revoke its state operating permit in the wake of revelations that the facility was leaking radioactive water into the environment.... The “root cause” of the leaks was the most contentious issue...."
  

Now it seems there are reliability and possibly safety issues at an Entergy plant in Michigan:

• Entergy Nuclear Plant in Michigan Shuts Down from Full Power. "Entergy Corp. says its nuclear power plant in southwestern Michigan was automatically shut down from full power over the weekend and a faulty cable that supplies a transformer was found...."
  

And finally there's the value of our corporation:

• Entergy Stocks Reach 52-week Low "The prices of Entergy Corp. (ETR) shares have declined to close to the 52-week low of $70.83, which is 17.4% off the 52-week high of $84.07. Entergy Corp. is owned by 11 Gurus we are tracking. Among them, 2 have added to their positions during the past quarter. 7 reduced their positions...."
  

The idea that there's no such thing as bad publicity is often attributed to Phineas T. Barnum. But you know, God? The Irish dramatist Brendan Behan had his own version of the saying. "There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary." Sure and I'm starting to feel a bit of the old sod in my blood. And this is all starting to feel like bad publicity to me.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

You Never Give Me Your Money

Dear God,

I'm sure you heard about the latest tritium leak. We're not really speaking about it publicly yet, so just let me refer you to my oft-repeated advice:

TEN HANDY EVACUATION SAFETY AND SANITY TIPS

1. To beat the traffic, evacuate the day before an emergency.

2. Radiation exposure is especially harmful to children. Build up your children's immunity by programmatically giving them x-rays beginning shortly after birth.

3. Dress your child in a haz-mat suit for Halloween, just in case that's a bad day for us.

4. Always pack your child's lunch box with holy water.

5. Ask your doctor whether cancer is always as serious as you've been led to believe.

6. Remember that, even if your children are in a school in Guilford, Vernon or Brattleboro, no force in creation can stop a good parent like you from cowboying your way through police lines to get to them once they have been cordoned away from you and proclaimed a public health risk to others.

7. Appreciate the way that evacuation puts your life problems in perspective.

8. Try not to read too much into the little details like how in heaven's name you will ever rebuild your life even if you and everyone you love survive.

9. If you actually work at the Vermont Yankee plant, every day ask yourself, "Hmmm, does this coffee taste a little too potassium iodide-y?" Lousy coffee is a morale buster. During an evacuation, a bright outlook will go a long way.

10. Remember that heart disease is actually our nation's number one killer.

Like I said, we're not yet really giving out information about this. But what we are speaking freely about, at least at the plant, is some good news. We are so glad to finally be able to download Beatles songs from the iTunes store!

It's so cool. You know, one of the things that people don't really appreciate about Vermont Yankee is how much fun we have around here forgiving each other for our blunders and mistakes. It's really a "peace, man" and "no worries" kind of place. Another very cool fact about us: Our employees are happy, picturesque people with good singing voices.



And that's something the ad agency really likes. I know I showed you the website we spent thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars on, the one showing people how downright Caucasian we are and how nice one of us in particular looks in a red bathing suit. Well, did you also know that we sing George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" at lunchtime in the employee cafeteria, and that when we do we all join in on folk guitars? The "Alleluia"s and "Hare Krishna"s bring tears to our eyes. And did you know that if you don't tear up spontaneously that you can pull your nose hairs when no one is looking and get it to happen?

We talk about the Beatles a lot at Vermont Yankee because, like us, they were technical innovators. Just think of "Abbey Road." Hey, most of the world was way behind the times, playing 8-track cassettes and building nuclear power plants! But they were assuredly bringing Moog synthesizers into the studio and playing chords backwards.

You might also remember that the climax of that album is a 16-minute medley. Hey! Remember "Sun King?" And "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window"--written (did you know?) after a fan came into Paul's house through the bathroom window? And who could forget "You Never Give Me Your Money?"

Well, we haven't forgotten "You Never Give Me Your Money"--not at Vermont Yankee. We started singing it to the state in 2007 when we tried to pocket a quarter of a BILLION dollars from the Decommissioning Fund. (NOTE: Pages 8-12 are particularly fun when sung in chorus.) Specifically, what we did was attempt "to draw down the Vermont Yankee decommissioning fund by applying the cost of the Interim Spent Fuel Storage Installation (ISFSI) to Vermont Yankee’s Decommissioning Fund." NRC statute prohibits this, and eventually Entergy retracted its effort to "strip the fund of these unauthorized costs." Apparently, no other plant in the U.S. has had the cojones to try to use their Decommissioning Fund this way.

So, yes! We're innovators! But, also yes, now we've been found out, and the report has been made public, and all while we're grappling with another ill-timed tritium leak. Frankly, I fear that, boy, we're going to "Carry That Weight" of our incompetence and tomfoolery right into the next legislative vote on our Certificate of Public Good.

I'm frantic about this, God, pulling out my nose hairs and everything.

You got any PR miracles up your sleeve? Any technical ones? Unfortunately, Paul is dead, and he can't help. I know many people say it's George and John who are dead, but I've listened to all of those songs backwards and forwards.

Hare Krishna, My Sweet Lord,

Fake-Rob

Dental Warfare

Dear God,

Gosh. I got an email today, and the subject line was "Bomb Strontium in Baby Teeth." It linked to a article here.

By and large, I'm a cautious guy, but this idea is one I support. I mean, who wants Strontium in baby teeth? That stuff's dangerous as hell! I say bomb those baby teeth to smithereens. Bigger, healthier ones will grow in anyway. And then the back molars will come in. Bomb them, too. They hurt.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

The Little Yanks are Back!

Dear God,

Two things:

• First, Ukraine plans to open Chernobyl area to tourists in 2011. It turns out that nuclear disaster is a brand that sells, just like "made in Vermont."
  
  
• Second, remember those cute control room mutants, The Little Yanks? They couldn't run and play like other kids, and they said a bad word: Strontium-90, which itself is a mutant. (Unlike most bad words, it has more than four letters.) I first prayed about them on May 26, 2010. Well, theyyyyyyyyyre back! Trouble is, the first time we met them, they were kind of funny, confusing "sh#t," for example, with radioactive isotopes. This time, there's not much humor, except for a few laugh lines about the NRC being trustworthy. And, hey, did you know? Uranium is natural! And the outcome of Vermont refusing to give Vermont Yankee a certificate of public good for an extra 20 years of operation "will be decided in the Federal courts!" Here's a little movie, courtesy of YouTube user RobertHargraves, who was kind enough to include an "embed" link on his YouTube page.
  

Gotta go, Lord. It's my turn to take the control room mutant kids outside so I can forcibly stretch their little legs and arms. And necks.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

It's a Sing-Along!

Dear God,

J. Wayne Leonard is dumping his shares of Entergy! And it may have affected the overall value of the company. According to the website GuruFocus.com, "Chairman and CEO J Wayne Leonard sold 227,954 shares of ETR stock on 08/10/2010 at the average price of 79.11. J Wayne Leonard owns at least 360,683 shares after this. The price of the stock has decreased by 8.49% since. Other insiders have also decreased their positions in the company."

"The rat is fleeing a sinking ship" can't even begin to describe the epithets being hurled today at poor J. Wayne--"poor," of course, being a relative term considering that in October of 2008 Fortune Magazine estimated his five-year income at $45.84 million. And now, just imagine the windfall on the stock sale! Whew! (It's about $17 million, if you do the math.)

And you've seen my pictures of J. Wayne Leonard's house haven't you? I think he'll build another wing or something now, don't you?

People may call J. Wayne a "rat," but "rat" does not begin to describe him. Why, he's stuck by this old, leaking plant for so long, he should get a medal! People have cast aspersions on his spending style, his elitism, his oversight, his manners, his hiring practices, his honesty, and the fact that he's pillaged the state of Vermont without, apparently, ever once spending a personal dollar here. He's been lambasted for saying that nuclear power is not a good business risk for the 21st century, and saying that even while trying to get the state of Vermont to take a risk on nuclear power. But step back, Lord. It's not as though all those aspects of him are bad things. Truly, they just define the modern man, the man of the future, the captain of industry about town extraordinaire.

Why, I think it's fair to go so far as to say that J. Wayne Leonard is, if you will, the very model of a modern metrosexual.

Hit it, dudes! And everyone sing along!



Did you see Linda Rondstadt in that video clip? Hey, any father of Linda Rondstadt's is a friend of mine.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

PS: Unfortunately, we can't blame the tumble in Entergy stock on Governor Elect Peter Shumlin. You see, J. Wayne's sell-off pre-dated Pete's demand of Michael Colomb, Site Vice President at Vermont Yankee, that "Entergy return its extraction wells to service and ... increase the number of wells to prevent tritiated water from entering Vermont’s precious and irreplaceable aquifers." In his letter to Colomb, Pete said that, "It appears that ENVY made the decision to arbitrarily terminate the process of extracting tritiated ground water from the Vermont Yankee site as soon as 300,000-gallons of water had been removed. The tritium concentration level of the remaining on site tritiated water after the 300,000-gallon cutoff was never provided to justify that decision." Pete also pointed out that, "The following day [after stopping extraction], Entergy detected 500,000 pCi/l of tritium near [one] well and at bedrock, ... a further indication that the aquifer may be in serious jeopardy of contamination from tritium and other radioactive isotopes." Frankly, I fail to understand Pete's concern about all of this. You remember, Lord (don't you?), that Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansour has already declared our tritium cleanup to be complete.

Have You Heard the Good News?

Dear God,


Yes, Lord, in the very week that we prematurely announced our tritium cleanup to be complete,we've announced that we've found more tritium, and this time we've found it in at least one well that used to be used for drinking water.

But, in the words of the prophet Douglas Adams, "DON'T PANIC!" This week's discovery is good news--or so my colleague Larry Smith has suggested.

I won't even pretend to explain why it's good news, because in order to explain that I would have to understand Larry's logic, which, frankly, I don't. But I do know this: No one reads the Saturday papers. And that is good news.

Yet, despite Larry's proclamation of elation, I'm sensing a general uneasiness here at Vermont Yankee. We all know that, by Monday, anti-nuke activists will be leaping from nooks and crannies and jumping to wherever it is that news cameras will point.

If I may be so bold as to express a wish in the form of an exasperative prayer, I beseech you, Lord, to arrange for said nuclear activists to drink the damn "good news" water, and to drink it tonight, Friday. Mind you, I fully support Larry in his assertion that 500 thousand pico curies per liter presents "no threat to public health." And, granted, even if it's going to kill the activists, they'll still be around on Monday. Radiation poisoning doesn't always work as quickly as one would like. Still, to watch the activists drink that water would be an "unusual event" for which I would be eternally grateful.

Thanks for understanding, Lord.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansour Declares Tritium Cleanup Complete

Dear God,

Just weeks after his most recent meeting with Hamid Karzai, president of one or another of those "stan" countries, Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansour, one of the most successful imitators of senior commanders in the Taliban movement, has declared the cleanup of tritium at Vermont Yankee complete.

"You have trusted me," Mullah Mansour declared. "Now you can pay me."

The NATO plane that brought Mullah Mansour to Vernon has now helped him flee back to the hills, carrying him along with weighty bundles of Entergy shareholder cash, and leaving David O'Brien of the Department of Public Service sad that long-promised peace talks with the New England Coalition never quite happened. However, J. Wayne Leonard, CEO of Entergy, expressed his gratitude that contaminated groundwater, now removed from Vernon, would be shipped to Tennessee, where public education has been in crisis for so long that the citizenry is unusually easy to push around. Stepping away from an indoor pool party at his mansion, Mr. Leonard watched with loving eyes as Mullah Mansour's plane passed over Louisiana. "Who was that masked man?" he wondered fondly.

In the meanwhile, Arnie Gundersen tried frantically to explain to the media that the tritium problem was not, in fact solved. The extraction wells were still pumping contaminated water when they were shut down. They were not shut down because the tritium issue was "over," but rather because Entergy did not want to pay to winterize the wells. Had they paid for the wells, Gundersen explained, they could not have afforded to pay Mullah Monsour.

Only moments after Gundersen started his b*tching and moaning, a grainy, ill-shot video was received by news stations across America. An unidentified but very tall actor attached to a styrofoam dialysis machine clearly said, "We will never tire of the tritium fight. J. Wayne is great. So is God."

Amen,

Fake-Rob

Meg Whitman Puts Vermont Yankee on eBay.

Dear God,

After spending $160 million of her own fortune on a losing campaign to be the governor of California, former eBay executive Meg Whitman is hard pressed for money, and has agreed to work for commission in her attempt to sell Vermont Yankee on eBay.

Of course, it's up to me to prepare the press release announcing the unconventional arrangement. I asked Ms. Whitman what the press release might best say about any potential buyer's responsibility regarding clean up of this horrible environmental mess we've created. As you know, we've underfunded the decommissioning fund by about half a billion dollars.

"Half a billion will be peanuts to the right buyer," Ms. Whitman assured me, as she paid an extra dollar to have the words "Fire Sale" bolded in the listing's title.

You know me. I'm not easily convinced by a dollar spent here or there, nor am I easily deflected in my dogged attempts to get hard answers even to the most difficult questions. Frankly, I knew what sorts of things my fellow employees would want to know. I also knew about the concerns the general public would have. So I emailed Ms. Whitman.

She only had a moment or so to spare when answering my email, what with her urgent need to search-engine-optimize the listing for terms like "everything must go" and "be the first on your block" and "state has new direction; we chose to go 'another way'." So I asked just a few quick questions. What changes did she anticipate an eBay buyer would implement at Vermont Yankee? Better safety monitoring? Less toxic runoff? More credible reporting? More reasonable shifts? Help for the employees' substance abuse problems? Would jobs be protected? For how long?

"Just get new stationary," she emailed me in return, "'cause if I learned one thing at eBay it's that image is eVerything."

At first I thought she was nuts. Which wasn't surprising. Hey, we're all feeling a little bonkers around here nowadays. Since the election it seems to me and my friends in the control room like the world is crashing around our ears. The river seems to whisper to us about the revenge of the fish. And we haven't even been to a picnic lately.

Like I said, I was just a hair flabbergasted that all Meg Whitman could think of to say to me in response to my politely-phrased, specific, and pressing questions was "image is eVerything." I can't tell you how long I stared at her email this morning, feeling increasingly disappointed and despairing.

But you know, Lord? The more I read her email, the more I think I got what she meant. Image just may be eVerything. I mean, sEriously.

aMen,

fAke rOb
pR gUy
vErmont yAnkee (and maybe someday, if I'm lucky, eBay)

Hey! What's happening?

Dear God,

As you might expect, we've been doing some pre-election planning at Vermont Yankee. We're trying to get out the vote for Brian Dubie. We want, on election day itself if necessary, to persuade anyone still on the fence about whether radiation poisoning and environmental toxicity are good or bad things to think of them as neutral, and then to concentrate on the happy benefits to me and my colleagues of imperiling the people of southeastern Vermont and neighboring Massachusetts and New Hampshire.

I couldn't sleep at all last night for all of the worrying I was doing about the election. How, I asked myself as I tossed and turned, could we at Vermont Yankee and Entergy best hide certain nuances from voters--like the fact that the habit of the NRC is to wait for definitive proof of a safety hazard before taking action--definitive proof being defined as an accident that's already happened? How could we get people to take their minds off their own petty concerns and feel sorry for J. Wayne Leonard, me, and the shareholders of Entergy?

Tick, tick, tick went my clock. Then, right around dawn, I had a moment of personal brilliance.

Our employees will work at the polls in pairs, standing always the prescribed distance away from the booths. They will open conversations with voters in as gentle, genuine, friendly, and optimistic way as possible, one that shows sensitivity to the shifting demographic in Vermont, and one that makes Brian Dubie and his friends seem oh so comme il faut.

Let me cut to the quick. Our employees will make some noise, attract some attention, and ask, "Hey, what's happening?"--only not precisely in those words.

See for yourself. Larry Smith and I will be working together in Vernon, and we've spent a few hours this morning practicing.



Amen,

Fake-Rob

Gleeful

Dear God,

Sometimes I don't pray right away about big news--like, for example, news about the radioactive isotope tritium found in the well water at Vermont Yankee, or the much higher levels of tritium found in well water at Pilgrim, our sister plant in Massachusetts. When I don't pray right away, it's not because I don't care. It's because I think that the official statements issued by Entergy spokespeople have handled the problem, and divine intervention is not necessary.

For example, Pete Shumlin expressed shock and dismay at the discovery of tritium in actual well water near Vermont Yankee. But is that really news? Of course Pete is shocked and dismayed. He practically makes a habit of it. On the other hand, it is news that Brian Dubie seemed initially displeased, and it is news that Brian said that he would not support VY's re-licensing without reassurance from the Department of Health and the NRC. Indeed, at first blush that sounded very, very scary to me. Ah, but then I blushed again. And when I did I remembered that every single time that tritium has been found in water at or near VY, and any time any scary happenstance at VY has occurred, both the NRC and Bill Irwin, Vermont's top radiological officer at the Department of Health, have given us a thumbs up.

Now, remember, Bill Irwin has long been someone with whom VY has felt absolutely comfortable. You may recall that I prayed about Bill on June 21, 2010. My prayer was about the Entergy/VY efforts to keep Arnie Gundersen out of the information loop regarding the existence of buried piping. We at Entergy/VY needed to keep him out of the loop because he was deeply suspicious about the existence of buried piping, and the Vermont legislature had fully authorized him to make appropriate inquiries. And, of course, as things turned out Arnie was right. Well, in the midst of all of our feints and misunderestimating, Bill Irwin (a public official) wrote in an email to Dave McElwee (a VY engineer) that, "The comments of Mr. Gundersen [about the possibility of the existence of underground piping] are hyperbole and, in my opinion, bordering [sic] on irresponsibility."

So Bill's a guy I know we can count on. Oh! Even more reassuring to me about Bill Irwin is this from my June 21 prayer:

Bill [Irwin] may actually have considered himself very much part of the VY "team." He marked a[n]email he sent to Uldis Vanags, the state's nuclear engineer, as "For Internal Use Only!!!!". Still, he seems to have copied the email to Dave [McElwee]. Dave circulated the email to a large handful of VY executives. You gotta love those four exclamation points, God. Without the emphasis they add to the words "internal" and "only" I never would have appreciated how closely the interests of Vermont Yankee and the Douglas administration are intertwined.

So, you can see why I haven't thought it necessary to pray excessively about this crisis. If Dubie is our next governor, and if all we need are the NRC's OK and Bill Irwin's, as well, no divine intervention will be needed.

In the meanwhile, yes, Entergy's Pilgrim Plant in Massachusetts is plagued with a tritium problem, but both Entergy and the NRC seem absolutely upbeat about it. Even though the tritium levels at Pilgrim are now well above those considered safe by Federal standards, the spokesperson at Pilgrim has assured the public that the tritium poses no safety threat. And our old friend Neil Sheehan of the NRC has expressed satisfaction with the steps that Pilgrim is taking to fix the tritium leak--and he has said that regardless of the fact that the leak seems to be getting significantly worse.

So, God, while things here at Entergy/VY are progressing swimmingly, I'm kicking back and gluing myself to the TV. No, not to Glee. The plot lines of that miniseries are too complicated for the likes of me. For example, I can never really tell when people are lying. Instead, I'm watching the progress of the 33 trapped Chilean miners as an escape capsule brings them to safety one-by-one. Isn't it reassuring how a tale of corporate neglect, greed, and disregard for safety can be transformed into one of heartwarming heroism in which everyone who plays along survives, and the wives get free mascara, to boot?

Amen,

Fake-Rob

Is That Little Kevin I See?

Dear God,

Torrents of a toxic sludge that has drowned four people in Hungary, burnt more than 120 (even through their clothes), and turned four lovely villages into irredeemable swamps of red mud that no one should ever touch has reached the Danube. While panicked people flee the area, the Hungarian prime minister has called for calm, and stressed that there is no radiation in the sludge. MAL Zrt, the Hungarian Aluminum Production and Trade Company responsible for the disaster, has issued a tremendously helpful advisory saying that, while the sludge contains heavy metals and is toxic if ingested (and, evidently, can burn the bejeezus out of you), it is not hazardous.



What a PR opportunity this Hungarian disaster has been for all of here at Vermont Yankee, where we try each day:

• To remind the public that we're all entitled to our own opinions but not our own facts, and
  
  
• To bring attention to the good works of our employees.
  

See! Just below this paragraph is evidence that at least one kindergartner from the Vernon Elementary School has followed the example set by our I Love VY employees. Five-year-old Little Kevin is in Hungary to help. I recognize him by the the protective gear that we at Vermont Yankee donated to our little neighbors across the street. Isn't that guy adorable? Doesn't he make you home proud?

And do you think maybe I should issue a press release pointing out that one advantage that Vermont Yankee has over MAL Zrt is that any environmental disaster we cause won't leave awful footprints on carpeting?

I dearly hope that the Times Argus runs these photos on its front page, where today it has a survey today asking whether people think the legislature should vote again on license renewal for Vermont Yankee. Little Kevin's mommy could vote. Twice.

You know what I always say, Lord. Vote early. Vote often.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

Truth Boogies

Dear God,

I knowst. It's not August any more, or at least it's not where you and most people are. But at Vermont Yankee, we have our own timetable. For example, it's still the 1970s in terms of how we envision the world's energy future.

Though, it's true, I haven't prayed 'lo this long time. August whatever, to be exact. I'm sorry, Lord. But in my defense I've not really been remiss.

I've been studying singing.

Really! It's an amazing way to spend one's vacation, and a bit of a stretch for me to have done at my age, what with even my speaking voice beginning to sound like a cross between a very old Harry Belafonte and a very young Pee Wee Herman. But, as it turns out, I should have started my singing lessons long ago. For I've learned that, if one holds one's tongue in just the right position, one can resonate in one's nasal passages the vibrations of the vocal chords, and thereby fully support one's voice as it emerges. One ends up sounding angelic, reliable, invincible--like the very embodiment of truthfulness. Imagine how this could have come in handy over the years.

Let me demonstrate. I'll announce the August and September news that I, in my absence, missed. Your job will be to raise your hand if anything I say sounds like anything other than a bold-faced lie:

1. The independent oversight panel opined that Vermont Yankee's corporate culture needs an overhaul and, and that VY has to begin providing reliable information to regulators and legislators.
   
2. VY's decommissioning fund is still about half a billion dollars short.
   
3. People are still mad at VY for lying to the oversight panel and to regulators.
   
4. The NRC has slapped VY's wrists with a ruler (but, thank You, not with a new rule) for endangering its workers.
   
5. Entergy has been compelled to take part in the 2013 energy capacity auction, despite the fact that it has no assurance VY will be in operation in 2013.
   
6. There are rumors that Entergy wants to sell VY, reason being that the Vermont legislature might be willing to allow VY to operate for an additional 20 years if any company other than Entergy were running it.
   
7. Some kook in Brattleboro has put a referendum on the ballot, and he has done so without clarifying what "eminent domain" could possibly have to do with nudity.
   
8. The Global Wind Energy council predicts that, within four years, installed power capacity from wind turbines around the world will probably rival the potential generation of electricity from nuclear plants.
   
9. The state of Connecticut has been awarded $40 million in a nuclear waste dispute. That's because no one can figure out what to do with the waste from the decommissioned Connecticut Yankee nuclear power plant.
   
10. The old ladies attacked us again.
    

Hmmm. I saw lots of hand-raising there, Lord. But, well, actually those statements sounded true because they were true. That's right. I didn't blow them out my nose.

Ok, but NOW I'm going to give you roughly the same news, only this time with the approved VY take on all of the news items. Which is to say that these pieces of news will come to you enhanced by my new nasal-reliant vocal technique. Again, raise your hand if anything I say sounds to you like the truth:

1. The independent oversight panel announced that with, with adjustments in its culture, Vermont Yankee can operate safely after 2012.
   
2. The combined efforts of the NRC, the DPS, and Vermont Yankee ensure that the fund remains adequate enoughish.
   
3. The NRC has said that the VY license request information is accurate, though they do want VY to re-evaluate its Buried Piping Inspection Program. We would actually be more than happy to do that now that we've admitted to having buried piping.
   
4. Despite the NRC's displeasure at VY's "process weaknesses" regarding worker safety, the NRC identified no issues that require VY to do anything noticeably different.
   
5. Entergy is confident Vermont Yankee will be operating in 2013--so confident that VY expressed its confidence only days after several blown fuses caused an "unusual event" emergency at the plant.
   
6. No comment.
   
7. "Eminent domain" has nothing to do with nudity. Granted, if that kook gets what he wants we will be royally exposed and, if we have the emotional capacity, embarrassed, as well.
   
8. No comment.
   
9. Really no comment.
   
10. No comment--but it was kinda fun wrestling them to the ground again.
    

I saw lots of hand raising, Lord! Good job! Yes, indeed, each and every one of them sounded like the God's truth. Hark, the herald Rob is high!

Amen,

Fake-Rob

Ho Hum

Dear Lord,

Was it your divine intervention that confused Rod Blagojevich's jurors enough to render them incapable of convicting him on 23 of the 24 counts against him? If so, do you charge by the hour?

Or maybe you've already intervened on our behalf. After all,

• The Brattleboro Reformer of August 14 reported that, "In its report to the Legislature’s Joint Fiscal Committee, submitted on July 26 and released to the public on Aug. 12, Fairewinds Associates, which is operated by Arnie and Maggie Gundersen, wrote that state agencies conspired to 'belittle the accurate analysis of Fairewinds Associates, Inc. rather than investigate the existence of underground pipes at (Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant).'" Did the masses even read that? Because if they did, I'd have though they'd have risen up in outrage and stormed either the administrative buildings in Montpelier or the nuclear power plant here in Vernon. But nada, from anyone.
  
  
• Fairewinds Associate's entire report is now on the Joint Fiscal Committee's web site. Yet no one seems to have looked up from their beach novels long enough to read it, much less comment.
  
  
• Scientific American published an article titled "Safety Concerns Have Delayed Approval of First U.S. Nuclear Reactor in Decades," and in it they quoted Fairewinds Associate's Arnie Gundersen. By doing so they might have significantly added to his credibility, furthering him on his path toward becoming a bonafide local hero. But, nah. People don't read Scientific American. It's too...wordy. So they checked their iPhones and applied sunscreen to their children as they frolicked in purposeful certitude about the Eden that is Vermont, even though they sunned themselves on the banks of the contaminated river.
  

I know you're powerful, Lord. I know you can cause frogs to fall from the sky, and that you can spread locusts across the land. So, please, be straight with me this one time. We've been unbelievably lucky of late on the PR front. Have you been pulling strings behind the curtain for us? Or is this just August?

Amen,

Fake-Rob

How Not to Write a Press Release

Dear Lord,

I got the most unfortunate email today. It was a press release from "Shut It Down," that group of old lady activists who continue to protest at our nuclear power plant.

Here is how it started: "As a plume of radioactive, tritiated water flowed toward the Connecticut River from Entergy's Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant here on Tuesday, August 10, eight women blocked the gate to demand the immediate shutdown of the 38-year-old facility."

And then it went on and on and on and ON about the old ladies' arrest. What, may I ask, does the arrest of those eight women have to do with the plume of radioactive, tritiated water? Granted, the first item (the arrest), by virtue of being recent, is legit news. But the second item (the leak) is old news, and leading the press release with that information turns a newsworthy event into a real snorer. Get over the leak, ladies! Move on!



Imagine if I were to have written some of VY's recent, snappy press releases with the old ladies' puerile phrasing:

1. As a plume of radioactive, tritiated water flowed toward the Connecticut River from Entergy's Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant, "the Vermont Yankee nuclear power station automatically shut down.... [But] there has been no release of radiation...."
   
   
2. As a plume of radioactive, tritiated water flowed toward the Connecticut River from Entergy's Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant, "Vermont Yankee control room operators brought the 650 megawatt nuclear power plant back into service. There was a delay early Sunday morning while reconnecting to the New England power grid when operators noticed that generator readings were different than expected and disconnected from the grid...."
   
   
3. As a plume of radioactive, tritiated water flowed toward the Connecticut River from Entergy's Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant, "a recently completed root cause analysis of a tritium leak at the Vermont Yankee Nuclear Power Plant determined that leak was primarily caused by an earlier design deficiency and inadequate inspection of an underground area of the plant that could not be accessed."
   
   
4. As a plume of radioactive, tritiated water flowed toward the Connecticut River from Entergy's Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant, "the plant [operated] at 100% power...."
   
   and
   
   
5. As a plume of radioactive, tritiated water flowed toward the Connecticut River from Entergy's Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant, Entergy's Chairman and CEO, J. Wayne Leonard said, "This is how Entergy operates."
   

I would be the laughing stock of the PR world, right? Take a lesson, ladies!

Amen,

Fake-Rob

I Really Need You Tonight!

Dear God,

When you're trying not to nod off at the wheel, do you sing to yourself really loudly with the windows open—especially on the highway, but sometimes even if you're driving through a sleepy neighborhood?

I've stopped drinking coffee because of what it does to my stomach. So this morning on my way to work I couldn't quite keep my eyes opened. I get in early; most people weren't awake when I was driving in today. And so I was singing, and at the same time I was thinking about tonight's Public Service Board meeting, where …

… [t]he Public Service Board will take public testimony at a hearing tonight on whether the Vernon nuclear plant should be shut down. Several groups have submitted petitions supporting the plant's shutdown based on recent radioactive leaks discovered on Yankee's grounds.

I know I've said this before, Lord, but I'm worried. And I'm thinking that tonight it would be really great if some Vermont Yankee supporters could show up and tell everyone about how the folks at VY are all healthy, normal, careful people with a refurbished I Am Vermont Yankee website to prove it. This iteration of our website features a whole bunch of good-looking people who aren't even getting fired or indicted.

So, like I said, I was driving to work early. I was probably too sleepy to be at the wheel. And I opened my windows wide and I sang my favorite song from the 1980s. Really, it's our plant's theme song. Do you know "Total Eclipse of the Heart?"

Turn around, Bright Eyes. Every now and then I fall apart.

Just let that line sink in, Lord. We do at Vermont Yankee. Over the past several years that song has become our company song. When we sing it in the cafeteria it's as though, our voices merged in joy, we have become the spirit of the plant.

Anyway, I delivered that line a couple of long, loud times--maybe even more than that because it felt so damn good to emote. And then I saw lights coming on in the houses around me. So I sang even more loudly. Hey, people might have been annoyed at being awakened, but I felt like the town crier, delivering an essential message to every one of our supporters in the area. Or every two. All seventeen. Whatever.

And here it is, God. I'll sing it to you. It's beautiful, and it means so much to us. It's not just the line about falling apart that's significant. There are also lines about "making it right," "taking it to the end of the line," always "being in the dark," and "living in a powder keg and giving off sparks."

But God? Before I start singing, just let me say that I really do need you tonight, at 7pm at BUHS. Bring friends.

I'll start off plaintively, though not in the legal sense. And as I sing, please imagine the Vermont Yankee employees that you see at the refurbished I Am Vermont Yankee website holding hands, swaying to the music, and lifting their voices to the heavens.

…And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

Here I'm going to get really loud.

I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Now I'll soften, because this is the part of the song that makes all of us at VY weep.

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart.

Amen,

Fake-Rob