Tuesday, October 30, 2007

You May Not Be Listening, Lord, But My Bosses Are.

Dear, God,

Are you there? I'm not sure. But I'm sure my bosses are there. "Here," I should say. I'm looking at my log of visitors to this blog. On October 29 and 30, my "Why I Love Vermont Yankee" prayer had 55 "visits" from Entergy, which, as you in your all-knowingness know, owns Vermont Yankee. It even had 7 visits from Burson Marsteller, which oversees Entergy's public relations and which a quick check of Wikipedia tells me was once employed by the Argentinian military junta of General Jorge Videla. Wikipedia also says that, during that particular general's reign, 35,000 people "disappeared." This year Burson Marsteller is representing Blackwater, the security contractor in Iraq whose employees are alleged to have mistakenly killed 17 Iraqi civilians last month. Saudi Arabia hired Burson Marsteller after the 9/11 attacks to polish its image which was, of course, briefly tarnished by the fact that almost all of the hijackers were Saudis. I don't actually know whether any of these claims about Burson Marstellar are true. They're all from Wikipedia and, well, you know Wikipedia's dicey reputation for accuracy! But, dear Lord! This means they're talking about me in beautiful conference rooms in New York City!

God, I know that pride is a sin but I always wanted to visit New York and now, when I do, I'll be a celebrity of sorts. Also, it suddenly occurs to me: Every time I click "post" on this prayer blog, my corporate superiors and their high-priced consultants seem to dive towards their computer monitors. They probably also begin to pray. Increasing prayer among those people is something about which you would allow me to feel proud, yes?

I'll be clicking "post" again soon, Lord. Thanks for your support and thanks for listening if, indeed, you are.


Friday, October 26, 2007

Why I Love Vermont Yankee

Dear God,

Are you there? It's me, Fake-Rob. I'm so scared. Just this week the White House announced that it may stop distribution of anti-radiation pills (a/k/a/ potassium iodide pills) to people living within 20 miles of a nuclear power plant. The White House says that the distribution program is undermining the PR efforts of the nuclear industry. You may remember that the pills help prevent the thyroid cancer that can result from radiation exposure, and that they are especially effective in protecting the health of children.

Dear God, the Democrats in Congress are getting FURIOUS. Lawyers are getting involved. My phone is ringing. God, why must adults argue? Please help. Don't let anyone yell at me.

Anyway, God, in thanks to you for showing the White House that good PR is worth paying the ultimate price of millions of lives, I've compiled a list of the ten things I like best about working at Vermont Yankee.

The Ten Best Things

10. It's probably no more dangerous to work here than to live near here
9. My Playstation 3 glows in the dark.
8. There is little chance that I'm the dumbest guy around.
7. It's more fun than licking Chinese toys.
6. Despite what our wives think, if we guys at the plant want to stop having children there is no medical need for us to neuter ourselves.
5. If disaster strikes, Fox News will be on our side.
4. Some of us have Spock ears.
3. I forgot what number 3 is.
2. No matter how often we shower, we always smell like roses.
1. Our group "bonding" exercise is kicking a dead horse.

Thanks, God. I love you,