The Love That Dares Not Speak Its Name

Dear God,

God, this prayer is going to be my second prayer about Sarah Palin. I know that I normally pray about nuclear power, but this Sarah Palin obsession I'm developing is not really as "off topic" as it might seem.

Lord, I've got an unnatural attraction to news stories about this woman. And not in a positive way. It's a problem how upset I can get about her. Which is weird, because I'm not even a Democrat. Or a Republican. Or an anything other than a uniformly agreeable PR flak for a major world threat. And so, up until this morning, I couldn't understand why I am focused so intently upon her.

And now I know. Sarah Palin created something of a reputation for herself as a Christian book banner in Alaska. Rumor has it that one of the books she wanted banned was Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

OMG! you might say, except that you're God so you wouldn't.

I'll bet that I'm unnaturally upset about Sarah Palin because somewhere in my subconscious I knew that she would, if given half a chance, heap her trademark scorn on me, my Are You There, God? prayer diary, and every last one of my prayers to you.

So right now, in order to distance myself emotionally from this increasingly distrubing person, I am going to list the many ways in which Sarah Palin and I are nothing at all alike.

• Sarah Palin claims experience in foreign policy because she lives near Russia. I live near-ish Canada, and claim no such expertise, though I do make a great Baked Alaska.
  
• Sarah Palin is dressed for the 70s. When I go to public input PSB or WRC meetings and the like, I am dressed for any era in the woods, all in an attempt to subliminally assure everyone that, like them, I'm a real Vermonter even though I live in Massachusetts.
  
• Sarah Palin was for the "Bridge to Nowhere" before she was against it. (She didn’t oppose the “Bridge to Nowhere” until after her support for it helped reap Alaska a blank check for $223 million in US taxpayers’ money.) My waffling requires fewer words to explain: I wasn't against topping off the Decommissioning Fund until someone suggested that it be done.
  
• Sarah Palin defends her own pregnant daughter’s right to reproductive choice even as she would deny the independent choices of all other women. I take no public position on issues that concern women other than to wish them all the best in evacuating their children if anything goes wrong here. (See my Ten Handy Evacuation Safety and Sanity Tips.)
  
• Sarah Palin shoots moose. I shoot beaver. (Actually, that's a gross overstatement, and I got my genders all mixed up. What I should say is that I had at one time hoped to engage in a discreet photographic session in which Philip Baruth and The Dudes would take pictures of me draped in a towel, posed in front of the Vermont Yankee plant. And even though Philip promised his wide readership to one day post "a bold and courageous series" of nude pictures of me, as of today he continues to be one big romantic disappointment.)
  
• Unlike our current Vice President, if Sarah Palin shoots you in the face, it's going to be because she was aiming for you. My actions might kill you, but I won't mean anything personal by it and it won't be entirely my fault. Furthermore, if things actually got that bad, my actions would probably help kill everyone else in this area (probably even me) and so I'd never be held personally accountable.
  

God, Sigmund Freud said that all fears are concealed wishes. I fear Sarah Palin, God. I even loathe her, which is probably a sin. Could it be that I actually love her?

(Cue lightning.)

Amen,

Fake-Rob