Nobody But the NRC Says "Boo" About Safety

Dear God,

I'm right about that, aren't I? Nobody but the NRC gets to assess our safety record or put into place new regulations? Thank you, thank you, thank you for this blessing!

Because as of this afternoon people are going to want to regulate the hell out of us. Even the DPS may feel "disappointed." As you probably know (in your all-knowingness you saw this coming, right?), just a few hours ago we discovered that the plant is leaking again, prodigiously. And since we at Vermont Yankee are not as omniscient as you, we have only just figured this out, and we have yet to determine exactly how many leaks there are. Could you consider giving us some hints? Like maybe if I spun around three times and kept my eyes shut really tight while holding an 8 ball between my knees and saying three Hail Marys backwards in Pig Latin you could miraculously cause a few of my fingers to levitate, such fingers signaling a precise count of how many leaks we've sprung? One or two? Three?

Please, Lord. I need to know because I need personally to assure the public that we're ahead of the curve on this, our third leak in a very short while. I need people to know that we are normally very good at routine maintenance, or at least that we're trying harder since the NRC scolded us for being really bad at routine maintenance.

Truth be told, Lord, I've got a special PR problem regarding all of this. See, it's quittin' time. That and it's been a long day. It's even been a long week, what with the PSB hearing on Monday. I wish I'd prepared a videotaped statement regarding this new leak, but, frankly, I was too tired to do that. So I'm thinking I'll use a generic videotaped statement that I have on hand. It's not actually me in the videotape, and the person in the tape is not actually talking about a leak--or even about a nuclear power plant. But, God Almighty, he makes the very same sort of denials and assurances that I'll make tomorrow when I get to the office. So I hope to use it, but first to edit in a subtitle. Whenever the guy in the videotape says "ship," I'll have the words "cooling towers" appear in the lower third of the screen.


Created by Barrels of Sea

I dunno. I think it's good enough for government work. 'Cause I'm right, yes? Nobody but the NRC gets to say "Boo" about safety!

Amen,

Fake-Rob