I Went to a Christmas Party

Dear God,

Do you read The Reformer?

Tuesday, April 21
BRATTLEBORO -- A regional activist group opposed to the continued operation of Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant has asked Vermont Attorney General William Sorrell to investigate the relationship between a Vermont Yankee lobbyist and the state's … commissioner of the Department of Public Service.

The lobbyist is Jay Thayer, who also happens to be the former site vice president of Vermont Yankee. The commissioner is David O’Brien, and in December of 2008, O'Brien invited Thayer and a whole bunch of legislators and other people with whom Thayer might want to hobnob on behalf of VY to a Christmas party in O’Brien’s home. Knowing this, The New England Coalition has filed suit, saying that, as a regulator, O’Brien needs to maintain a strictly professional relationship with a representative of the company he regulates. This is especially important because, in order to continue generating power in the state of Vermont after its original license expires in 2012, VY must convince both O’Brien and the Public Service Board to grant it a certificate of public good.

Which it will most likely try to do. Everyone knows that Thayer and O’Brien have been BFFs for God knows how long, God. The folks of The New England Coalition have pissed and moaned about that before. But this is the first time in my memory that they’ve caught much press doing so. Why the change? Well, in the spirit of Passover, Lord, let me re-phrase that fundamental question to put it in keeping with the first question of the Pesach Haggadah, a question you heard emanating from millions of households only a little more than a week ago.

Why [was] this night different from all other nights?

The answer has nothing to do with slaves in Egypt being set free. It has to do, rather, with the presence at the party of legislators and, not incidentally, of representatives of the utilities. But it is probably the legislators about whom The New England Coalition is most concerned, for before the PSB can grant VY a certificate of public good, it must get legislative approval to do so. And the probability of the legislature giving that approval has become increasingly slim as time goes on and problems at the plant surface alongside news of the potential of alternative power sources.

Indeed, this morning’s Reformer reports that in a letter to the Vermont Attorney General, Robert "Jake" Stewart, president of the New England Coalition, wrote, "The spectacle of the commissioner socializing with the key lobbyist of a business that he has a duty to regulate; and worse, arranging the soirée to include members of the Legislature and utility representatives, underscores a growing public perception that both the department and the governor are tainted by partiality favoring the fortunes of Entergy Nuclear.”

Do you remember, God, how we at Vermont Yankee have all had training in evacuating in case of radiation emergency, and how the control room operators have had marijuana brownie training and the Wackenhut guards have had don’t-get-our-corporate-name-in-the-paper-again-by-sleeping-through-your-shift-like-they-do-at-other-Wackenhut-plants training as well as whatever-you-do-don't-moon-the-security-camera training, and how our maintenance department has had don’t-declare-the-leak-fixed-until-it’s-actually-stopped-dripping training? Well, I think that certain state officials need some don't-invite-the-lobbyists-unless-you-also-invite-the-activists training so that the media can stop focusing on fiascos like this and start playing up, instead, the fact that potassium iodide will continue to be distributed to potential evacuees within the 10 mile evacuation zone. (Yay!)

Having realized that a little training could go a long way, I’ve borrowed an old Ricky Nelson song. (It’s old to me, but it’s in fact a late song from his oeuvre. Shortly after recording this song he died in a fiery plane crash. Popular legend has it that the plane caught fire when Nelson and the band started freebasing cocaine in the cabin. But the NTSB says there is no evidence of that--though there is ample evidence that the crash was caused by inadequate technology maintenance. When I distribute the lyrics, I’ll make special note of that to our maintenance folk. “Listen up!” I always like to say with a meaningful smile.)

Anyway, although this song is largely pointless pablum, it does emphasize the fact that lots of people go to Christmas parties. Another good thing about it is it’s got a good beat and you can dance to it, Mr. Clark. And, finally, I like the “Lot-in-dah-dah-dah” stuff. Being a PR professional, I always feel warm and fuzzy when words get nonsensical.

And hey, God, you can get this song as a ring tone!

CHRISTMAS PARTY
(Mostly by Ricky Nelson)

I went to a Christmas party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and play our songs again
When I got to the Christmas party, they all knew my name
No one recognized me, I didn't look the same

CHORUS
But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself

People came from miles around, everyone was there
Yoko brought her walrus, there was magic in the air
'N' over in the corner, much to my surprise
Mr. Hughes hid in Dylan's shoes wearing his disguise

CHORUS

Lot-in-dah-dah-dah, Lot-in-dah-dah-dah

Played them all the old songs, thought that's why they came
No one heard the music, we didn't look the same
I said hello to "Mary Lou", she belongs to me
When I sang a song about a honky-tonk, it was time to leave

CHORUS

Lot-dah-dah-dah (Lot-dah-dah-dah)
Lot-in-dah-dah-dah

Someone opened up a closet door and out stepped Johnny B. Goode
Playing guitar like a-ringin' a bell and lookin' like he should
If you gotta play at garden parties, I wish you a lotta luck
But if memories were all I sang, I rather drive a truck

CHORUS

Lot-dah-dah-dah (Lot-dah-dah-dah)
Lot-in-dah-dah-dah

'N' it's all right now, learned my lesson well
You see, ya can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself

Switch in your mind Mr. Hughes, Yoko Ono, Bob Dylan and Mary Lou for a few legislators, a utility exec or two, and a lobbyist, and you might be able to make some sense from all of that. Or maybe you won’t. Doesn’t matter; it’s fun to sing.

Amen,

Fake-Rob