Childhood Cancer Not Bad for Children, NRC Spokeswoman Says

Dear Lord,

Actually, Lord, the NRC spokeswoman did not say that childhood cancer is not bad for children. She said that nuclear leaks and explosions are no big deal.

Here's the story of that:

In 2002 the NRC began distributing to states (for distribution to citizens) potassium iodide pills that help block radioactive iodide from entering people's thyroids. These were to be used in the event of a catastrophic event at a nuclear power plant. Children are especially susceptible to thyroid cancer resulting from radiation leaks, so parents of children living near nuclear power plants were especially happy about those pills. The New York Times even described the distribution sites as scenes of "fear and anger" for parents desperate to protect their children from, say, the blunders of control room operators stoned on marijuana brownies.

But those parents liked those pills way too much. People started giggling and calling them "mother's little helpers" and the "new drug of choice." Because they were. What mother in her right mind wouldn't want to protect her children? But, recognizing a PR downer when they saw one, last October the White House announced that it may stop distribution of the anti-radiation pills altogether.

Not surprisingly, this move met with dismay and charges of the political use of a regulatory agency by the industry it was supposed to regulate. Worse, my phone started ringing and I got a headache.

But all the confusion has been cleared up. In fact, there never should have been confusion in the first place. You see, Lord, evidently Patricia Milligan, the NRC’s senior adviser for preparedness, explained way back in October that the NRC opposes broad distribution of the pills not because it is a sex spa worker enslaved by flatulent multibillion dollar corporations who don't give a darn but because there is a much better way than potassium iodide pills to reduce cancer risk for children. It is to make sure that, if there is a leak or explosion at a nuclear power plant and they have to evacuate and their dog gets trampled in the confusion and their entire way of life and everything they hold dear vanishes, they don't eat anything because it might be contaminated!

Simple solution, yes? Except if that's true, why do hazmat workers, for example, wear hazmat suits? Why don't they just go on diets?

Amen,

Fake-Rob