I"m Sorry if I Scared the People of Vermont

Dear God,

Thanksgiving is over and I had many, many visits to this prayer blog by people who were looking to my prayers for guidance about their prayers. Googling terms like like "thanksgiving prayers to god" or, more to the point, "thanksgiving prayer cancer" they ended up at my Pre-Thanksgiving Prayer of Thanks...




... which, if you recall, is my expression of gratitude that the activists in Vermont have not remembered that 2007 is the five-year anniversary of the Davis-Bessie nuclear power plant near disaster, which would have wrought death, destruction, and, yes, prayers about cancer throughout Toledo.

Anyway, Lord, I find all of this creepy in some way I can't quite name. So now I'm thinking I'm gonna lighten up the mood around here. I watch reruns of "I Love Lucy." Do you, Lord? If you do, do you notice a certain similarity between the fictional character Lucy Ricardo and the real person Fake-Rob Williams? I know it's a stretch. I don't have red hair. But, like Lucy, I'm naïve, ambitious, imaginative, and I always end up apologizing for one mess or another.

Another similarity is that the "I Love Lucy" show (Lucy Ricardo's employer) and Vermont Yankee (my employer) both make products that may kill people. "I Love Lucy" was "brought to you by" Philip Morris cigarettes. Vermont Yankee may be responsible for the suspicious increase in cancer deaths in Windham County.

Anyway, I've got a game. I'll list apologies made by either me or Lucy. I'll also list scenarios from Lucy's and my lives. Your job will be to match the apology to the scenario.

THE SCENARIOS

Lucy hates Ricky's new mustache so she borrows a fake beard from Fred and wears it but the glue sticks and she can't get it off.

Vermont Yankee gets scolded by the NRC for lax maintenance.

When the clown in Ricky's act gets injured, Lucy tries to substitute for him and messes up the act.

Uldis Vanags, the nuclear engineer from the Vermont Public Service Department, turns out not to be a nuclear engineer at all.

Lucy finds a mink coat that Ricky rented for a dance number at the club. She believes it is her anniversary gift. Ricky can't bring himself to tell her the truth so he fakes a burglary to get it away from her.

Vermont Yankee won't have enough money to decommission the plant until 2032 even though the plant license expires in 2012.

Lucy reads a murder mystery book and decides Ricky is trying to kill her. She overreacts.

The White House suggests that distributing KI pills to people living near nuclear power plants makes them fearful of nuclear power and that the program to distribute the pills should therefore be stopped. Previously, the White House had called the pills crucial in stopping thyroid cancer in the event of radiation exposure.

Lucy gets to dance with Van Johnson.

A cooling tower collapses and about a week later a turbine stop valve failure forces an automatic shutdown.

Cousin Tennessee Ernie Ford visits Ricky and Lucy and won't leave. Lucy has to figure out how to get rid of him.

A report critical of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission's relicensing process wasn't given to the public as soon as the state's Department of Public Service received it. The report was an audit of the way relicensure investigators conduct their jobs and pointed to ways in which they were falling short.

THE APOLOGIES

I'm sorry that the people of Vermont were upset.

Aw, honey! I'm so dopey and you're so understanding. (Then Lucy and Ricky kiss and make up.)

Aw, honey! I'm sorry I'm so snoopy! (Then Lucy and Ricky kiss and make up.)

Waaaaaa! (Then Lucy and Ricky kiss and make up.)

I'm very sorry the people of Vermont were upset and pleased to assure you all that this never impacted safety at the plant.

Aw, honey! I'm sure you would buy me a mink coat if we could afford one. I'm sorry I put you in this position. (Then Lucy and Ricky kiss and make up.)

Awwwwwww. (Then Lucy and Ricky kiss and make up.)

I'm very, very sorry that the people of Vermont were upset and and I'm pleased to assure you all that this has nothing to do with safety at the plant. That and we're going to build your elementary school a new gym.

I'm most egregiously sorry. Normally our processes are very careful. Evidently, though, there is room for improvement.

I'm flagellating myself in sorrow about having upset the people of Vermont and also in an attempt to assure you that I can stand a lot of stress, as can this aging plant.

Aw, honey! I'm sorry I tried to make you feel bad about the way you look and got the skin on my face all torn off in the process. (Then Lucy and Ricky kiss and make up.)

If you won't accept my apologies for upsetting you as well as my assurances that this incident has nothing to do with safety at the plant I am going to flagellate myself with two whips at once and then you'll really feel guilty.

Amen,

Fake-Rob