Karma Chameleon

Dear God,

Lawmakers in Vermont are expecting a report any day now on a "vertical audit" of the systems, structures, and components of Vermont Yankee by an independent oversight panel appointed by the state legislature. Act 189 specifies that the report of the panel be delivered to the Department of Public Service no later than January 30, 2009.

The panel is looking at all sorts of systems--electrical, emergency, mechanical, primary containment, and so on. But perhaps because its focus is reliability (not safety), the panel is not required to look at the culture of the plant.

But they say they're going to do that anyway, I suppose to help us all understand how we could mess up time and again on safety issues.

What do I mean by "culture"? Well, I'm not sure—other than to say that it's a fancy word that management specialists use all of the time. I could also say that I am a big fan of the Washington Post columnist Miss Manners, and she is cultured. Also I liked Culture Club way back when.

I might also point out that, however it is we define "culture," if we let the oversight panel take too free a hand in their fact-finding about it, things could get scary pretty fast, with phrases like "incident management failure" popping up way more often than I'd like.

Oversight panels abhor a vacuum and I abhor oversight panels, so I've prepared some user-friendly information for our oversight panel on the culture at Vermont Yankee. What I've prepared is risky information for me to disclose, granted. But most of those panelists have been appointed by Democrats, so you know that unless I feed them something bloody they will just keep gnawing deeper and deeper until our veins are dangling from their teeth. Some might call the information I've prepared stupidly kamizake-ish. Others might more adroitly call it a "scoop but defuse" defense. I call it,

Miss Fake-Rob's Guide to Excrutiatingly Correct
Nuclear Power Plant Behavior
in Relation to Our Employee Gambling-Slash-Working Way Too Much Overtime Problem

DEAR MISS FAKE-ROB,

My husband works at the Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant in Vernon, Vermont. He tells me that gambling problems are rife among employees at the plant and that the pervasiveness of the gambling culture is endangering safety. Employees who have stifled their feelings about routinely risking the lives of their friends and families go on desperation-fueled gambling binges, lose big, and then need to work double shifts to cover their losses. The result: scheduling is whacky and risky. People are working in geyser-like bursts, and as a result some are in danger of being asleep at the wheel. What does etiquette demand that I do with the information my husband has given me about the culture at a facility that can reasonably be said to hold our fate in its hands?

GENTLE READER,

Miss Fake-Rob is sympathetic with your concerns about going up in flames and all of that. But you are a fuddy duddy. I wish you a boring life, and I hope your husband leaves you soon.

What do you think, Lord? I know it's not much and the gender thing ("Miss Fake-Rob") is all messed up. But gender was always messed up with Culture Club, too, and they got by just fine. Anyway, it's the best I could do, considering that January 30 is approaching fast and those panelists are going to come up with far worse if I let them. I can almost smell the stink of human flesh in their oversight-ing little mouths. And who cares if the panelists accuse us of gambling? I mean, it's not like we're gambling lives or livelihood.

Amen,

Fake-Rob

PS: I almost forgot! We've found a leaking valve gasket on a four-inch pipe in the reactor building. I've got to run out to my car and get my GUNK (a/k/a Spare Tire in a Can) so that we can "enclose the valve with a specially designed clamp and inject a sealant to stop the leak" while keeping the plant running at full power. Pray for us, Lord. PR-wise, this doesn't look good.